The Unexpected Journey

Sometimes I go into meditation with an intention.

Sometimes I go in simply because my guides nudge me and say, "Come sit with us."

This was one of those days.

I settled into my breath, calling in my Guides, Gemma and Dar, and Archangel Michael, Archangel Raphael, and all of the loving beings who walk beside me, whether I know their names or not.

I cleared my energy the way I always do, brushing away anything that didn't belong to me until I felt grounded and present.

Then something incredible began to unfold.

I found myself reaching down, down, down, deep through all the layers of the earth, past the little earth animals, past the layers of magma, the stone people, all the way down into the golden center of Mama Gaia.

I dip into that beautiful well of golden honey energy of the earth and I pull it up into my body. Simultaneously, I am reaching up, up, up through the layers of the cake that is the universe, up, up, up until I reach the honey golden light there.

I reach into that pool of beautiful honey golden light and I pull it down, down, down, into my body.

The two lights meet in a warm golden ball of light in the center of my chest.

As those energies meet, they start to swirl, and they start to swirl out around my body in an atom-like pattern, around and around and around and around, until they build this beautiful golden weblike sphere of energy, encompassing me like a web.

And that web sphere of energy is now reaching out to golden orbs of light at every point around me, sideways, diagonal, upward, downward. There's all these golden orbs of light that it's connecting to, and it pulls all of that light into the golden center of light inside me, and then expands it back out and pulls it back in and expands it back out.

And then that golden net starts building expanding bigger, bigger, bigger, encompassing me. And it feels so warm, so lovely, so loving.

That net is first encompassing me, and then it's growing bigger, and it's encompassing the room, and bigger, encompassing my house, and bigger, encompassing my neighborhood, and bigger, encompassing my town and my state and my country and the Earth.

And then it's expanding even bigger. As it's expanding bigger, more little golden points of light are reaching out and connecting into it and I sense the hearts of every living creature on the planet.

It's connecting to the trees. It's connecting to the plants. It's connecting to the ocean animals. It's connecting to the birds and the earth animals.

And I'm seeing this beautiful golden web reaching farther out into the universe and connecting with other loving beings that we don't know, we don't see, but yet that web of love is still connecting.

And now I feel expansive. I feel weightless. And I feel as beautiful as that golden light.

When the meditation ended, I felt peaceful and amazing, so warm and connected, but it wasn't over.

Almost immediately I felt my guides say, "Go back."

So I did.

This second meditation couldn't have been more different. The vastness of the golden web disappeared.

Instead, I found myself inside a cozy, bright room. I knew what we were here to do, so extended the invitation, "Who needs to be here with me today, who needs to be seen?"

A girl came through that doorway, looking apprehensive and sad. She was thirteen years old.

She was me.

She was the version of me who had Graves' disease that was undiagnosed. She was sick, frightened, overwhelmed by hormones, confused by her changing body, and carrying emotions she couldn't explain. She was physically ill and rapidly declining. Everything the doctors had tried hadn't worked. Her body was failing.

She was the girl who had been sent to live with her grandparents because the adults around her didn't know how to help anymore. Her problems were too much, she was too much.

From her perspective, it felt like everyone had given up on her.

She didn't understand why the doctors didn't have answers

She didn't understand why the adults were overwhelmed.

She simply believed she had been given up on.

I remembered lying there in beautiful nightgowns while everyone waited and hoped someone would figure out what was happening.

Then one unexpected visitor changed everything.

My grandfather's brother, who had been estranged from the family, happened to visit. He saw me, recognized something everyone else had missed, and suggested that I see a specific endocrinologist.

That referral changed the course of my life. Eventually my body healed, but as I sat in this meditation years later, I realized a part of my of heart had not.

As I sat with thirteen year old Jeana in meditation, none of that was what mattered most.

What mattered was how she had felt.

Abandoned.

Unwanted.

Uncherished.

So I gathered her into my arms.

I rocked her.

I told her she was beautiful.

I told her she was cherished.

I told her she was treasured.

I told her I would never leave her.

I told her I would always fight for her.

Over and over, I whispered the words she had needed to hear all those years ago.

"You are safe."

"You are safe with me."

"You will always be safe."

Something shifted.

I didn't feel like I was comforting a wounded child anymore. I felt like she came home.

She wasn't standing outside of me.

She felt integrated.

Whole.

Loved.

As I reflected afterward, something became beautifully clear.

The first meditation had shown me a golden web connecting everything.

The second meditation showed me one place where I had become disconnected from myself.

Maybe that was the lesson all along.

Sometimes Spirit doesn't take us deeper into the universe.

Sometimes Spirit gently takes us by the hand and leads us back to the parts of ourselves that have been waiting to be loved.

Maybe healing isn't about becoming someone new.

Maybe it's about returning to the parts of ourselves that never stopped hoping someone would come back for them.

This time...

I did.